We've loved, We've Lost

On the 18th of January 2019, I sat in the airport of Samoa on my phone; preparing via messenger to head off to the beach with my family once I land in Sydney. Another spontaneous beach trip for the Rees Family. Not only did I try to contain my excitement for coming home but the excitement of being with my cousins all together again. I finally land in Fiji for a layover and for some reason, could not connect to the wifi. I was hoping to see the chit chat on the group message between my siblings and cousins but just could not connect to the wifi for the life of me. Fiji to Sydney, I finally touch down and go through security as quickly as I can to get to my ride, eager for the adventure to start. In the distance I see our car to hurry with my luggage, I arrive at the car and not a single person in that car hopped out to help me put my luggage in. Okay rude. I opened up the door with an ear to ear smile "soooooo what beach are we going to? are the others coming in the van?". And instead of a 'Welcome back' or a 'how was your flight', I was greeted with an ugly silence. Strange.

I unloaded my own luggage in the car, hopped in and, asked once again if they had decided on a beach and yet was met by minutes of silence. My brother Archie, sort of glanced over to my older brother Andrew, and then broke the silence "So there has been a slight change in plan... something has happened to Sia" (Sia is my younger cousin). 

"What do you mean, what happened"

He proceeded to explain what had happened, and for a moment, I had completely zoned out, entirely overtaken with shock and disbelief. Part of me thought that they were playing some sort of sick joke. "We tried to call you on messenger but your phone wasn't connecting", they must have been trying to call when I was in Fiji. That fucking wifi. The drive back to Bonnyrigg where my cousins lived felt like a lifetime. Each turn met with another question in my head. Meanwhile, complete silence had taken hold of everyone in our car. We pull up to the street, its dark, but from the distance, I can see, I can feel that it is real. I see my aunt sitting in the driveway, completely broken, lifeless almost. I walk past here and just feel cold, I see tears stream down her face but no expressions on her face. I enter the house in search of my cousin whom I share a sisterly bond with, and there she was. Eyes were swollen and the gray had taken over her brown complexion. I hugged her and there was no love there, no emotion, just a body, she didn't even wrap her arms around me. She gave me a little smile but you could see brokenness through the cracks in her face.

You see, you never really forget the series of events leading up to and following receiving news that someone you truly loved had passed away. It's like a branding iron, being stabbed into your brain. You never really forget the emotions you felt when you find out that your bloodline was shortened. As a Christian, the belief of "everything happens for a reason" is engraved in your heart, but as a human, a family you can't help but question. Even if you have no authority to question God himself why things happen. The shock just ripples underneath your skin and behind your eyes. Much like the passing of my grandfather, I remember it like I remember each character of my name. I was only a teen, in the middle of footy training when my mum pulls up and beeps like a crazy lady telling me I need to finish up early. I rushed up to the car and she told me we were going to visit my Pa in hospital and I was to wake him up when we got there. We arrive and I enter a room filled with sorrow. My aunties and uncles stand around, eyes filled with tears, sniffling. I walk over to his bed and tap his shoulder, asking him to wake up, again and again, each time my eyes took over with tears... 

That feeling

it never seems to leave you.

ever.

Seconds, into minutes, into hours, into days, we all stay busy, preparing food, unfolding weaved mats, setting platforms for the coffin, tea, coffee, roasted pigs... Staying busy in hopes that reality doesn't cross anyone's mind. At least 30 people at one house all preparing different things but I see that in the back of everyone's minds, we're all wishing that by some miracle, it's not real and is just a horrible dream. Days pass and I greet faces of old family members who I have not seen in years. That's the ironic part of death, it separates but somehow still manages to unite. Long lost cousins finally sharing good times in the living rooms. Singing and dancing. Laughing and crying. The roar of our parent's laughter and the sorrow in their tears...

--

I help my mum, aunties, and female cousins prepare the living room with traditional decorations, preparing for my cousin to finally come home. Everything is handled delicately, each corner straightened, each curtain and wall hanging aligned to perfection. One of my younger cousins yells, "he's here, Sia's home" which rips right into my heart and jerks all the tears I have sustained. 

I stand and watch as my male cousins, uncles, brothers, and dad make their way into the house with him, carried with love and utmost care. Clearing way to lay down someone so precious. The coffin covered in white sheets, left closed until all is ready. I hold my baby cousin as he weeps uncontrollably, asking if his brother is going to wake up. Through broken words, he mumbles over and over again "Lia why isn't Sia waking up. Why isn't he awake Lia. I miss him" Sniffling in my shirt, I close my eyes and just pray for his pain to be placed onto me. How can a heart this young even be exposed to something like a death in the family? 

--

I stand and watch those same men retrieve the coffin out of the funeral car, propped up onto their shoulders and finally walked down the aisle to be rested at the front of the church. I watch his mother, father, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles and partner shed reckless tears. We share speeches of the good times in hopes that some part of us is glad that he is finally resting. 

--

I stand and watch as the coffin is being descended into the ground. My heart aches to see his dad filled with so much anger yet so much pain. Hitting the rails. Bashing the ground. Broken down, weakened on his knees. My dad stands behind him, with that brotherly grip, dividing the pain. We all gather around and gaze at a piece of our heart laying meters below us in the dirt. Were burying our younger cousin. And it finally hits all of us, he's gone. And never coming back, at least not in this lifetime.

--

We've loved, we've lost. And we all, even you,  shall continue to, again and again until it is finally us laying in that box. Our family members wishing it wasn't true. Our families preparing food, and songs in celebration of the life we lived and in the heartache of our presence being no more. Our family members gathering around your resting place.

We've loved and we've lost.

To all that we have loved and lost, rest in eternal peace.

Sia, you will forever be in our hearts. #TRAITOR

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