Expensive Taste
Expensive Taste
Written by : Your dad... just kidding : Lydia Rees
Talofa my hunnies & welcome to another post from your favourite wanna be blogger! I know it’s been a hot minute but perhaps this post will be some sort of explanation for my absence.
Just a friendly reminder that these posts are my personal thoughts, opinions & experiences. I do not post to seek attention, comfort of validity, but simply because my notes app is getting sick of holding them.
As always, grab a bevvy, take a seat in a distraction free environment & MANUIA 🌺
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I am a tower. Built through careful construction, quiet delegations. I am a self made tower with all its fixtures. Well rooted, strong structured. Towers are meant for nice places, to be surrounded by other impressive buildings with million dollar views. But, I’ve never been one who was fond of the “finer things” in life. Yaknow? Luxury was never appealing when it was placed up against comfortability & practicality. Unfortunately for the most part of my life, this was evident through the places I've lived, what I drove, even down to the way I dressed. So can anyone tell me why a “low class” person, have the mindset & goals of a someone at the top of the food chain.
For most of my life, I was always in an environment where I felt like I never fit in. And without stepping on anyone’s toes, I always felt like I was supposed to be more, supposed to do more , see more than those around me, be better, placed higher. Some call it being cocky, I called it "goals", "improvement". At a young age, I learnt how to sacrifice things if it meant I got what I wanted. Much like how our needs and wants constant change through experience and environment, I now wanted to be at the top, financially & academically.
So little by little, from a teen into a young adult, I silently worked on little bits of my mind. "What ever it takes, What ever it takes, WHAT EVER IT TOOK". Taught myself to see opportunity where others saw a road block. To seize moments that were moving too fast for other eyes. The learn how give up one thing in place of another. I promised myself that I would push & shove & kick until I was at the very top. In everything. Of everything. With everything. So I rue the day that I failed to remember that all things, come with a price. This new mindset that I had engraved into my bones was supposed to build me up, instead, it knocked me down, broke me, to the smallest of pieces. It would lead me to pay a very very hefty price.
Ive always been a clown but I have never juggled as much as I have in the past few months. Between working a tedious job, studying at uni, upholding a ‘religious’ life & attempting to maintain a social life, it’s only now that I realise that perhaps I had sacrificed the most important things. The past few months, I was so busy trying to build up my academic and economic self, that I began to withdraw. From God. From family. From friends.
At first, I noticed that while I stood on stage in front of a whole church, apart of the worship team, the “first preachers”, I felt nothing. My eyes didn’t feel like closing. My hands didn’t feel like raising. My mind was somewhere far far away from Swaffham Road. The morning & evening prayers were scratched memory & schedule to make room for my studies. My bible app stayed quietly in the corner of my phone and my physical bible grew a hat of dust. It was then, that I felt my most distant from unconditional love. My most distant from something that used to fill me up. Somehow I still felt like I could skim through life because I had my family & friends to fall back on, right?
Next was the deteriorating family time. Going out once a week to see friends, slowly turned into twice, three time... & soon, it was every night. If it wasn’t to see friends, it was to see a new fling. By the time I would get home in the late hours of the night, my brothers have retreated to their rooms, my parents fast asleep. I’ve missed the evening dinner and weekly catch up. So I sit in the living room watching television alone, wondering what my family got up to whilst I was out. People are no longer jealous of the relationship I have with my mother, cause that too faded away at my own doing. I know she is sad when she looks at me, looking at the vessel that was once her bright, bubbly daughter. I know my dad grows more disappointment when he comes home from work to see that my room is empty. Me not there. But still I long... Long to be apart of the roaring laughter in the sitting room or apart of the mindless dinner table conversations. Hey, at least I’ve still got my friends. Right?
My friends. Precious time that I spent with my friends was slowly replaced by a new fling in my life. A new fling, study & work had completely taken up all of my time, & my free time. Anyone who knows me, knows very well that I have only a handful of people I could call my friends, & only two, that were my greatest of friends. So what do I do now, when even they are stripped away from me? Not even stripped, but peeled away. By no one other than the girl that stares back at me when I look in the mirror. I watch as my friends grow more fond of their new friends. They visit places we used to. Talk about the things we used to. Laugh at the jokes we used to make.
I told you. Hefty price.
The past few months, I’ve been introduced to something I’ve only ever heard and read about. Just like Tiktok says “tell me you have depression, without ACTUALLY telling me you have depression”. Is it depression if it was self inflicted. Is it depression if I chose the path I was on... If it’s not depression then it’s sure damn close. Its the struggle to get out of bed, every, single, morning, even though my days have been planned weeks in advance. It’s the pain of waking up and realising that things aren’t back to how they were. Stress-free. Trouble-free. It’s the fear of going to sleep, in case more of what I care about, slips away from me. Its avoiding being in public, fearful of not knowing what will trigger the anxiety.
I try and not look at my reflection because I know I wont be satisfied with who I had let myself become. I see a girl staring back at me, she looks like me, imitates me, moves and talks like me, but I know deep down, this is not who I am. This not what I wanted. The same refusal to address the underlying issues turns into refusal to recognise, being unrecognised. Refusing to check my phone, because I know, I KNOW I KNOW, I would be disappointed to see a blank screen. Nothing. No one. No one checking up on me. Not even the ones that I would constantly check up on. After all, why should they? I made the sacrifice. Friendship, Family and Faith were the sacrifice...
Yet in the midst of mental chaos I managed to convince myself that I was doing the right thing for my future. The right thing for my bank account. What ever it takes, right? WHAT EVER IT TAKES! Sacrifice. Stupid Girl. But what good is a future if I lose everything that matters to me today. What good is a voluptuous bank account, when there is no one left to share it with. Naive of me to not see that I already had the perfect life...
So now, when all is done, and the tower crumbles...
this is what remains.
It’s a silent cry.
A mental battle.
A search for purpose.
A brave face.
A wet set of eyes.
A crooked smile.
An expensive price, for an expensive taste.
I’ve paid my dues for wanting more, trying to be more, stretching for the top... and although it may be too late to realise, I know now that I would rather stay broke, if it means I can have my God, my family and my friends at arms length.
Breaking down a tower is always easier than constructing one.
Ae, e leai se mea e Le uma...
So today, I’ll start building.
All my love
Lydia
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On a more important note, no one should have to endure this journey alone. If you need someone to talk to, my socials are all included, feel free to reach out to me no matter what our relationship is. Lifeline Australia is also available 24/7.
Lifeline Australia
13 11 14
If you dont feel comfortable talking to someone on the phone, you can text them instead.
Lifelife Australia Text
0477 131 114
https://www.beyondblue.org.au/
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