cheating on me

"Cheating On Me"

Written and Published by Lydia Rees

The 'i love you' that is texted through to my phone sounds different. Empty. It sounds like a jumbled arrangement of characters on your keyboard, thoughtlessly ensembled and deceivingly sent. Ding, my phone tells me I have received a message from "My lover". No more do you insist on having your lover by your side to tell your secrets to or to confide in. I see more excitement in your face when you're ordering food in drive-thru than when you're looking at me. You hold my hand but no longer as an embrace but more so as a routine. Delayed and postponed plans turn into canceled plans but I  guess somewhere in my mind, I was happier when you canceled our plans because you no longer make any plans. You're busy, you're working, you're sick, you're tired but you're also lying. And I nod my head in agreement just to keep you satisfied, the same way I nod my head when you want head, the same way I nod my head when you ask me if I'm okay. Am I okay? I'm fine.

I gave you a glimpse of the sacrifices I made to make you and the people around you happy but little did you know that I spent most of our relationship, unhappy. You will never truly know the pain that lays in knowing what is coming and not being able to do anything about it. Pain. Do you know pain because I know pain.  I'm pretty but not pretty enough, I am smart but not smart enough, I have so much love but not the type of love that you need or want anymore. My efforts, my time, my phone calls and my text messages were not enough and so when my virginity was also given, I only proved how reckless and ruined I was willing to be, to try to be, enough.

I begged and begged for you to communicate with me but you say that you don't express those kinds of emotions to anyone. You forgot to mention that you don't express those emotions to me. I see you squirm and grow uncomfortable when I asked if flirting is considered cheating because deep down inside, you know you've been 'cheating' on me longer than you have been faithful to me. Good things are worth fighting for so I guess, I was never good. Or was it, I was never good enough? Never did you fight for me or defend my name when I wasn't there to defend it for myself and yet I was willing to be crucified in defending your honor. Will you do the honor of putting me first for once.

I sought your validation more than I sought the words in the Bible and I analyzed your messages and followed them as holy writ. I spent more evenings on my knees for you than I did for Christ and so its no surprise that my prayers went unanswered. Lakes would be filled if they caught every teardrop that I shed for a piece of shit like you. And still,  if I were drowning in the same lake while you were safe on shore, I would throw a piece of shit like you my lifebuoy just so you have something to lay your head-on. You said you love seeing me naked but your eyes and ears were always closed when I try to talk to you about my thoughts and feelings, this is not what I meant when I said I want you to see me, bare.

We walk the same international streets but people snicker when they see me with you because apparently, you have told everyone that there is no me and you. Because of you, my name bounced around from tongue to tongue but never reached my ears because people fear of what I will say or do, what did I say or do to deserve this? The younger years both unemployed and yet I fueled the car that picked you up and dropped you off, both unemployed and yet I managed to pay for our food at every meetup, both now employed and your family says I only want your money, both employed and now you are too busy for me, both employed but you have time for everyone but me.

I think it was easier for you to break it off over a phone call because you were not strong enough to do it to my face. My face. The same face you promised to fight for, the same face you promised to try for, the same face that you once loved, but the same face you so easily lied to. You made me feel like there was no room for me and you expect the room that we made "love in". I was once your world but now you want to see the world without me, I opened up doors for you but now you want to step into the next door alone. "I hope we can still be friends", but I was told that the same person who broke you can not mend you so to hell with being friends.

We were never on the same page so every time I tried to read ahead, I saw that you had scribbled out our story and began writing your own. I came to an understanding and you came in me. See the tears that I shed thinking about the seed that you planted in me, those same tears didn't water it enough because in 2 and a half months that seed was taken away from. Ask the grass of our spot how many times I begged for this to be all in my head. Ask the trees of our other spot how many times I had to physically refrain myself from burning them down. Ask my steering wheel how many times I drove alone wondering what the fuck is wrong with me. I am sure that the stars will agree with me when I say every kiss we share beneath them, I gave honestly. The moon will vouch on my behalf when I say that life was fun living but the rope on the tree looked a lot more appealing.

And even still when closure knocks at my door I hesitate to open it in fear of more rejection. Seconds into minutes, minutes into hours, hours and days, days and weeks, weeks into months into years I finally found the courage to build again what you had once broken down. I vowed to never allow myself to be that vulnerable again or to allow some boy to change me to fit his image of a perfect partner. Like one big nightmare, instead this time I woke up and remembered who the fuck I am.

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