3 Years

3 Years - Mutherhood

Written & Published by Lydia Rees

Talofa to my 3-man audience, and welcome back to my channel. Awolla fia vlogger stamaloaaaa. I hope you have been well during these trying times. Again, I sacrifice my privacy by laying down a piece of my heart, in hopes that it shows you a different perspective. It seem that associating myself with motherhood is too strange for some, so we can just call it Mutherhood.

or muther-fuc... just kidding

As always hunnies, sit back, relax, grab a bevvy and read with me...

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In 2016, at the ripe age of 18, do you know what my doctor told me. "Lydia the reality is, you're more than likely never going carry or give birth to your own children. Your ovaries are abnormal and you have such a hormonal imbalance that implantation becomes too difficult". My dumbfounded "huh?" was answered with a "basically its going to be very very difficult for you to fall pregnant". Being 18 young and clueless, of course this wasn't an issue for me, if anything it played in my favour given I was MaDLy iN LoVE. Even back then, I knew that when the time was right, adoption would be the easy road. 

Easy road my ass cheeks.

In July 2018, I was in Samoa with my mum and at early hours of the morning before the sun had risen, we heard a taxi pull into our driveway. We then heard my heavily pregnant aunty hop into the taxi and leave. Thinking nothing of it, we fell back to sleep only to be woken up a mere 2 hours later, to the sound of another taxi pulling into the driveway. Through mesh screens, we looked out and saw that my aunty had gone and given birth and returned home in under 2 hours. I looked over at my mum, shocked and completely lost for words. 

"Mum she literally just gave birth and now shes waltzing back home with a baby in her arms"

"That's the life here, its costs money to stay in a hospital. Not everyone has the time and money to relax like we do in Australia".

Over the next couple of days, I spent with that new born baby. Holding her and taking her with us on our shopping trips. Every now and then I would look down at this precious being and just imagine that I was her mother. 

Fast forward a few months, those day dream thoughts became a potential reality. I was finally presented with the chance to be a mum to the beautiful baby girl that I held only a few months ago. At 20 years old, of course I didn't feel ready to become a mum. I was flooded with so many emotions, so many worries. Worried about all the things that I would miss out on. Confused as to whether this would affect my career, or my personal life. "What kind of guy would want me if they know I have a kid already. I'm going to lose all my friends because I will be too busy. omg will I still be in the youth or mafutaga tina". Don't judge me, but yes those were the kind of worries that I had. 

But these doubts left just as quickly as they came.

So with so much hope and faith on my side, I decided to dive straight into the adoption process.

One of the reasons I was incredibly hesitant to put this blog out, was simply because when you say "motherhood" or being a "mother", people already have a pre-conceived idea. Pregnancy, Birth so on so forth. People look at their sisters who have given birth, their aunts and cousins who have given birth and just automatically associate that process as the only and direct line to motherhood. But what about the rest of us. Although I didn’t have to carry my child for 9 months, I have had to suffer through 37 months. 

Time Spent.

I did not know how lengthy and draining the process was going to be. The paperwork, the phone calls, the facetimes! Its been 3 years, and my little love is still not home with me.

3 years of attempting to raise a child from 5,773 kilometres away; trying to raise her through facetimes and video calls. 3 years of being told "the paperwork is nearly done" just to be followed with "oh we're just waiting on some more paperwork", 3 years of having screaming matches (iykyk) with my lawyers overseas for not communicating relevant information. 3 years of online shopping carts that are filled, then quickly emptied again because lord knows if I'm going to receive a 3 year old or a 7 year old. 3 birthdays that I've missed out on, birthday parties planned and celebrated in two different places.

3 formative years that I have missed out on.

3 years of feeling a void in my heart, reserved for my girl.

3 year of her living in a place that isn't supposed to be home.

Heartache & Envy. You see, part of the heartache comes from knowing that I've done everything in my power to try and get her here. I have spoken to everyone that plays a part in this process. I have done everything in my power to give her the best life where she currently is. I have done all I can, to virtually pour every ounce of love out to her. But between Samoa's ongoing political games and the global struggle with COVID 19, my hopes of being with my girl slips away in the smallest or portions. So does my claim to motherhood. I watch as these other mums hug and kiss their children, take them out to the parks, or even just shopping in the kids section. I see parents hold their children whilst they blow out their birthday candles. I watch proud parents smile ear to ear at their young ones up on the church stage, answering each Sunday school question. I sit there filled with pain and envy, knowing there's nothing left for me to do.

Acceptance. Social media tells me that the screams and pains of giving birth is your ticket to motherhood. Social media also tells me that 9 months of feeling your baby's growth inside you makes you a mother. A baby that suckles on your breast, is motherhood. The mouths around you that squeal "oh my goshhhhh she/he has your eyes", is motherhood. Gender Reveals and Baby showers, all associated with motherhood. But what about the rest of us. So yeah, I feel as if I haven't earnt my title to mother hood. I feel judged if I consider myself a mum. 

I hear the whispers (no matter how much you lower your voice) "she thinks she's a mum but hasn't changed the nappy or pushed the pram of her own kid". And you know what I say to that, absolutely go f*ck yourse.. hahaha lol just kidding. 

But I get it, I know my situation is very different from those around me, unconventional as some would say. I know that others may also question my commitment to a child that I didn't give birth to. 

But with God as my witness, I can honestly swear by every bone in my body, that I love my daughter enough to give everything up for her. God knows what I have lost, what has been taken away from me, the sacrifices I have already made, just to clear the way for her. I love her exactly the same way I would if she were from my own flesh. Exactly the same way if I felt her grow inside me. 

I am a mother, a mummy, a milf hahahaha kidding. 

I am a mum.

Its been 3 years, not long to go God willing.

x

Princess aka Lela's Mummy

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Follow the links below to read some previous blogs.

Tufugas Mat - Part 1 - http://lydiarees11.blogspot.com.au/2018/02/tufugas-mat-part-1.html

Tufugas Mat - Part 2 - http://lydiarees11.blogspot.com.au/2018/02/tufugas-mat-part-2.html

Also feel free to head over to - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPhm20F1W3s and stay up to date with my amateur vlogs and travel posts.

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