2021
2021 & it’s prayers
MMXXI
Written and Published: Lydia Rees
Another year is slowly coming to an end. Mariah Carey & Michael Bublé terrorise the radio, Christmas trees on display in every shopping centre, thousands of flashing lights hanging at every second house... que Lydia’s long awaited end of year blog. Thank you for joining me for the last blog post of 2021; please note that this one is quite long so feel free to read by chapter!
As always my lovelies, grab a cuppa, maybe a snack, & I hope you enjoy the read !
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2021, the year that God decided to take me to the next level, challenged me emotionally, broke me down just to rebuild me up again. The year that my world continued to crumble behind closed doors, forcing me to be stronger than ever in the public eye. There were times this year where I was Buridan’s donkey, pacing between opportunities & decisions that seemed to weigh just as important as the next. Each heart wrenching trial and each tiresome tribulation contributes to this character I carry into next year.
So,
Here I am, in all my glory.
Once again, stripped of privacy in the hopes that who ever reads this, gains a little appreciation for their own life.
Chapter 1 - A Search for Strength
“O Le teine, o le pae ma le āuli”
Pae - meaning in the middle, to be in the midst of it all
Āuli - irons and straightens things out
“A lelei oe, e lelei fo’i kama”
If you're good, your brothers will also be good
These are the words that fell from my parents’ lips over the years, slowly engraved on my heart, but only just recently gained meaning. So much responsibility for one person. All my life, it has been my brothers looking out for me. Dropping whatever they are doing, just to make sure that my needs are met. Covering for me when my parents ask “where is Lydia”. But this year, I never knew that my turn to return the favour had finally come. You see, in the traditional Samoan household, the girl in the family is the 'pae', she stands in the middle of everything, is the voice of reason, brings a calm presence to the household. She is also the pae, she ensures everything runs smoothly and that her family is well looked after. She carries her family name around her neck, she makes a house a home, she is the role model who carries cultural morals and values. She’s the one who carries her parent’s pride, the very reason for their boast. She sets the tone. She pushes everyone to their absolute best, prepares them for every season of life. She takes on responsibilities which will never be recognised or congratulated. She is the very glue that holds the family together.
So what happens when good intentions; when the āuli and the pae accidentally bring separation & destruction to the family structure.
For the longest time, my father’s struggle with alcohol created a toxic home environment. Only a handful of people knew how mentally taxing it was to be around. What started off small, had grown and spread like bacteria, became more and more visible every day. I had brothers who feared coming home between 5-8pm because we never knew what version of our dad we were going to get. After my shift at work, I would stay back a little longer just to avoid facing him. Was it going to be lectures? Maybe outbursts of anger? Fear & anxiety inducing conversations that were both unnecessary & invasive? Or was it going to be another episode of 'Be A Better Daughter : Season 3 : Episode 4'. The man that I held at such high regards, one of the reasons I constantly tried to be better, my motivation during weakness… I watched him slip away, sip by sip. The fun-loving father that had carried me in his arms as a child, was now the man in fluro, gripping a bottle of wine, that we feared.
So why do I feel disappointed in myself? Why am I left with a gut-wrenching feeling that I did something wrong? My parents raised a strong-willed daughter who would do anything for the health & safety of her family. So what happens when the health & safety of my family is compromised by none other than “the head” of the family. It was this self appointed responsibility to protect my mother and brothers, that lead me to decide that enough was enough. A drunken night that he took things too far, I had to scream & shout at him. Years of pent-up anger, frustration and sadness, slipped out in mere minutes. I stood there with eyes full of tears, through a broken voice I had to beg, beg and beg him to choose us over his alcohol. I had brothers standing firm around in support of me & I let the floodgates open. I stared into his bloodshot eyes & poured every single ounce of my heart out to him. We had forgiven him for so many things in the past, we welcomed him home every single time, just for us to go through the same cycle over and over again. The noses around me sniffled as I verbally tore into my own father. There were no more options left for us, no more energy left for us to ‘just deal with it’. So I lead him to an ultimatum, but never did I think that he would choose that bottle over us.
So, I watched him leave.
The first man to have broken my heart in the past so many times, breaking it once again. Handfuls of clothes in one hand, car keys & bottle in the other, I watched my hero, walk out. Not knowing where he was going or how long he would be gone for, I let him leave.
Every night after that, when all the minds of my household were dreaming, I cried myself to sleep knowing that I was the reason my brothers didn’t have a father around. Knowing I was the reason my mum didn’t have her husband. I would quietly sit outside my mother’s closed bedroom door at 2am, listening to her cry and beg God to guide him back to us. Hearing her shaky voice beg God to look after my father wherever he was. My heart grew more and more numb every time I looked out to the Sunday crowd & saw an empty chair in place of him. I felt a sting in my soul every time I had to lie when asked where he was, “he’s at work”.
This chapter of my life, A Search for Strength, was/is dedicated to my mother, to my brothers, to my daughter, and most importantly, to myself. My mother deserves a husband that makes her happy. My brothers deserve a father that creates a safe home. Despite my delivery, with God, I found the strength I needed to carry my family, I found the strength to show up and to speak. I became she who stands in the middle of it all. The one to straighten everything out. The voice of reason.
Both the Auli & the Pae.
My mother has moved overseas, my father lives separately from home and an older brother locked away... it’s time for me to be the daughter that they raised me to be. Its time for me to be the sister that culture guides me to be. It's time for me to be the woman that my religion teaches me to be. Proverbs 31:25 "she is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future". Things are slowly starting to get better, but I will always stand firm in my beliefs. Lord knows I have forgiven but I will never forget, for that is where history repeats itself. This year has been far from easy, but know that constantly I pray not only for my family, but yours too. With passion, I pray that peace and love abound even in the darkest of times. I pray that if you ever endure hardships, that you find strength that resides with God.
Chapter 2 - New Ventures
This year I had the opportunity to step out of my comfort zone & into a world of music. A couple of months ago, me and a friend of mine decided to put in our applications for The Voice Australia. Although the outcome wasn’t ideal for myself, I had the opportunity to learn about the entry level requirements in the music industry. Even just looking at it from afar, I always knew that the journey was not mine, but it would allow me to temporarily abandon my comfort zone. I now have a friend who is blessed with the chance sing his heart out & show God to the world. Sometimes the journeys we embark on aren’t specifically for us to travel, but to motivate somebody else around us. Run forward Bestmate, this is your chance to reach for everything you deserve! I’m so proud of you & I know your village are too! You win, we all win! A big fckn CHEEHOOOO to our ancestors!
There was a period between lockdowns that the state borders opened, just in time for me to spend my 23rd birthday away from home. Although my plans didn’t work out how I wanted them too, I ended up coming home having learnt more than I intended. A 23kg suitcase & a backpack with me, I sat alone on my flight and felt completely at ease. Almost like I was on my way to meet closure. I sat in my Uber watching strange faces pass me by. Unfamiliar turns into unfamiliar streets… I checked into my hotel, in a city I had never visited… Sitting alone in my room with a view to die for, I felt every piece of my soul coming together. Sat on the grass facing the lake, I revisited the hardest times I had been through & addressed each. For those few days alone away from home, I allowed myself to completely heal from trauma that kept me prisoner for so long.
I let every drop of bottled emotion pour out of me, for I must rid myself of the old in order to fill myself up with the new. I will forever be grateful to the selfish version of me that decided to randomly book that flight… Standing at the top of Elephant Rock, staring out into open water, I spoke into existence the life I wanted for myself. I prayed to the God that lives above the clouds, to grant the deepest desires of my heart. This inner peace that fell upon me, is something I wish everyone could experience in their lifetime.
If I could offer any advice, please get out there & do more for yourself. Learn how to enjoy your own company, allow yourself to completely heal before trying to move onto the next phase of your life. Your future self will thank you!
Chapter 3 - Little Loves
My daughter who turned 3 this year, still sits in another country not knowing that the life she deserves is here with me. The world around me keeps changing making me more and more scared of how I will do as someones mum. My life as a mother is still in the works, but every bone in my body tells me that I am more than ready for the challenges that will come with it. This year made it clear that it was always meant to be Lela. I wish I had the strength to truly tell of the hole in my heart, and the things that have been stripped from me. My heart aches in ways that I could never put onto paper but seeing this little face, reminds me that it was always only her, from the very start. My little love is on her way, but for now, I treasure the little feet that pitter patter across me in the church building. One day, I hope my daughter has a space in the hearts of those around me.
To the parents, mum and dads that had their littlest loves taken away from them before getting to hold them, I see you. I see the sadness hidden behind the smile, & I pray for you. Everyday, I pray for your healing. Mums and dads that are on my socials, you are doing a fantastic job. I love the way you care for your little ones! Congratulations to all the new parents of 2021. Congratulations also to those who were blessed to have a little one added to their families. Congratulations to those parents awaiting the arrival of a little love. A ginormous shout out to the aunties and uncles that step up to lend a helping hand. A big fat congratulations to you regular-degular mums & dads, out there hustling day to day for your little family. And lastly, to those trying to conceive, I pray that God blesses you with the deepest desires of your heart. I know his timing has purpose, I pray that your time to safely carry and deliver your little love, comes sooner.
Finale - We Deserve To Be Happy
“Well now really when we go back into falling in love. And say, it's crazy. Falling. You see? We don't say "rising into love". There is in it, the idea of the fall. And it goes back, as a matter of fact, to extremely fundamental things. That there is always a curious tie at some point between the fall and the creation. Taking this ghastly risk is the condition of there being life.” -Alan Watts
Somewhere between fall and creation, the ghastly risk of allowing myself to fall, has brought me here. My favourite love story of all time finally progressed onto the next chapter, and I have never been more excited. God came through for me this year. In the midst of confusion and doubt, he has managed to create clearance within the rubble of my heart. Literally pulled the veil off a path that I chose to cover for 5 very long years. After so many years of being told “you’re still young”, I believe I have found the person that makes me excited to grow old.
I believe with everything in me, that I am deserving of this love that I receive.
A broken road that two wandering souls travelled alone on for so long, has lead us into the arms of one another. I am so happy. God knows that I am truly the happiest I have been in a very long time, with the person of my dreams. I have never wanted someone in my life this much before; someone that I connect with far beyond the familiarity of physical touch.
I thought that the ties we had so very long ago were coming to an end, instead, it has only strengthened what was between us. He gives me love that my soul isn't familiar with. He pushes past my insecurities and reaches for me, the deepest parts of me that I purposely hide away, he actively seeks and adores. The fire stays burning because of the little gestures. When the wind blows gently through a half cranked window, on long stretches of highway, I reach over the middle compartment and intertwine fingers with the person I hope to spend the rest of my life with. I hum the highers notes while he carries our tenor in karaoke, we share some giggles and that right there, is my idea of perfection. With no trace of time, and only a starry sky above us, we lay in silence whilst our playlist of love songs soothes both heart and ears. "In this world of sorrow and broken dreams, I have found a place, where I can hide..."
Our story that was once invisibly etched within the sky line is now being painted for the world to slowly see. The excitement in his voice when he talks about our future, the plans we make for our life, I look over mid-conversation and pray to God that this is the person for me.
We put forward these plans to God for blessing. I have finally been presented with my person to love, and that's exactly what I will do. “... love without explanation. To love without public approval. To love freely. To love without title or label. To love as much as we can in that moment, for tomorrow is never promised”. Through every small act of love, I feel it... every piece of barbed wire, every iron fence, ever single wall that I had built around my heart, I feel it crumble down brick by brick.. Overwhelmed by both comfort & extreme fear when he stares at this imperfect face, with admiration. I know deep down that the pessimistic side of me brings the worst case scenario forward, but if things dont work out, he and the mischief we got up to, will forever been scorn on my soul.
The boy that revived a stone cold heart.
From the depths of my being, I hope, I pray that the support I’ve offered other couples will be reciprocated for me and mine. I know he is willing to fight just as hard as me, in order for us to live the life we deserve. One day, one sweet glorious day, the world will get to see us, but for now, I keep these moments close to me to appreciate the charms of anonymity a little longer.
My guy, thank you for loving me the way you do…
—
So,
Here I am, in all my glory.
A little wiser than last year, a heck lot stronger, but mostly just enjoying every ounce of joy & sadness that comes with it. It is this very ability to feel and comprehend happiness and sadness, that reminds me that I am well and truly alive. Although ruin tends to chase after me where ever I go, I still dedicate the end of every year, to the reflection of my decisions that lead me this far. I refuse to be hardened or pressed by the hardships of this world, after all, I have the best team surrounding me. If I have to crawl through the fire in order to receive this very same outcome, I would do it again and again.
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To those who have been apart of the many journeys throughout this year, I am Godly grateful for you. Now more than ever, its so important to look at the people you choose to surround yourself with. Next year is already lined with its own challenges, so this is your reminder that you are stronger than you think. Despite what society tells you, you're exactly where you need to be. You are braver than you think. You are enough and more! Go forward and fight for what and who you love, fight for what you deserve. The lives that we crave for ourselves are right there for the taking.
Know that I am constantly praying for you and your families… and if you have any spare moments, I ask that you please pray for me and mines.
I hope you all have a blessed and safe Christmas, may the New year bring nothing but joy and happiness to you all. Til next year, goodbye my lovelies!
Always,
Princess
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