2022 - Chapter Four

MMXXII

Written & Published By Lydia Rees

Talofa my loves!

Welcome to the 4th and final chapter of this whole shabang! It has been a ride but once again I sacrifice the sliver of privacy I had, in order to showcase love and its honest struggles. I have been thinking through and through as to whether I want to put this out to the world. Whether they deserve to have this knowledge of me and my loved ones. There was a period of time where I wanted to scrap this entire blog, stay private, but this is me. 

I do these things because I love to write. Some of you like to sleep with married men, I like to overshare my life stories. It's as raw as it gets. I have had people reach out to me about things they have enjoyed about my blogs, how they can relate, similar struggles and hardships etc, and it has allowed me to comfort, share, and more importantly, it has initiated conversations between myself and another who I have never spoken to otherwise. There is nothing in my pieces that I wouldn't want the world to know, and nothing that I would not say in person if given the opportunity. 

Here we go again. 

As always, its a pleasure having you here. Sit back, relax and join me.

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 Chapter 4 : Loves Perspective 

An evening that seems to be a lifetime ago, I sat nervously with my partner in a dark room and a confession of feelings were thrown around. Each word that fell out of his mouth echoed on one wall and ricocheted off another. I sat there pacing back and forth in my mind, part of me not knowing if it was a dream or some sick joke. I was shocked, overwhelmed and just about everything imaginable in between. For that one night, the first of many, all my stars aligned, these feelings were mutual but my first response, was to cry. And not just a little sweet cry but one of those try and avoid eye contact, ugly face, snots in the nose type of cries. It was perfect concoction of excitement & awful fear. The only words that I could muster up in between sniffles was

 “please don’t break my heart”…

Fast forward to December 2021, we were rested up in a town far from our home, celebrating our own little Christmas. Our exchanged Christmas gifts sat nicely on the table and piles of Christmas wrapping squashed and thrown to the corner. I scrolled once more through the 2021 blog that would ultimately release my most prized secret, I looked out beyond the balcony into clear blue skies, and then back again to my partner. With my finger hovering over the publish button, I shut my eyes and pressed it. "PUBLISH".... 

Whilst many praised me on the strength I had in the first few chapters, I knew all eyes were locked onto my now semi-public love life. I remember the responses rolling in, the story replies, the private messages. I vividly remember the notifications blowing up right in front of my eyes...

"I'm so happy for you"

"Supporting you all the way"

"You deserve this"

If only I had known to appreciate those comments then, for now, they hold no depth nor value.

Alas, it was slowly revealed to the world who this mystery man was and as expected, not everyone ran in favour of it. As the aussie saying goes 'Every person and their dog' had an opinion. People from various social circles had an opinion, talked about over cruisers and vapes, discussed in cars, laughed at over meals and gossiped about in the same place we glorify God in. Ironic huh? I am familiar with being the subject of everyone's conversations, its been like that my whole life. The only frightening thing this time round was, it was not just me been spoken ill about anymore, but my partners name being dragged around with mine. People collectively decided to frown upon something that was not socially acceptable to them. "He's too good for her", "he can do way better", “why would he go for someone that looks like that”. 

It tears me apart. It's enough to break any woman, trying to be the best they can but then her physical appearance comes first in the attack. It hurts right down to my inmost being. When we hid away in secrecy, we were the authors of our love story and now that the world has its grips, we have become a Wikipedia page, each person adding their own thoughts & opinions, editing the narrative of our relationship.

I hear it and even worse, I feel it. The eyes that are glued on me as I walk by. The teasing giggle with little to no attempts at masking. Just to think that some of these people were the same that offered their support only a few short months ago. Between the comments, indirect mockery and subliminal disses, people so easily forget that I am someone's daughter, loved and adored. People forget that I am somebody's one and only sister, protected at every known opportunity. Removed from my both my comfort zone and my own home to honour the love I have for my partner in his home. I chose time and time again to take disagreements on the chin, not because I am timid or even weak, but for the sake of my partner. 

~family ties~

If you have ever dated a Samoan or an islander in general, you'll often hear something along the lines of "you're not just dating him/her, you are dating his/her whole family". Haha I know that's damn right. It took a misunderstanding at an inconvenient time to remind me to always analyse the efforts I give, for some only deserve the bare minimum. Not anger, not hatred, not even an ounce of frustration, just the bare minimum. Following this kerfuffle, it finally dawned on me. You see, each person you (we) meet in this lifetime has most likely been raised differently to the way you (we) were. In turn, their perspective on certain comments or actions will differ from your (our) own. 

For me, as most of you know I am an only girl, middle child with brothers on each end in my immediate family. Appointed the auli and pae. I am the “older cousin” to my extended family, the age gap being up to 24 years. I was raised as Traditional Samoan as possible whilst living in Australia. I was raised to exceed expectations, to plan every family members birthday party from selecting the venue, right down to lighting the candles on the cake. I know some of you ladies can 100% relate to this self-appointed role in your own families! I was raised to show up, show out, to be of service. In my family structure I was raised to take care of everyone & everything around me, to be a good daughter/ cousin / sister / niece always in active duty, eyes or no eyes, crowd or no crowd. The intentions were never to impress anyone, but because "a fai se mea, fai ia lelei" loosely translated to "if you're going to do something, do it properly". 

So walking into my partners side of the family, of course I carried these traits / mindsets with me. But I quickly learnt from one particular misunderstanding that my perspective was massively different to those who were perhaps the youngest in their family or an only child in their family. I had to be reminded that although these are the things I typically did for me and mine, each family already has a structure of their own, one that I can not voluntarily interfere with. Although I had spent a lifetime around these people, they never knew the full spectrum of my being and vice versa. So whilst my intentions behind particular words and actions (where I believed at the time) were decent audience based, I understand now that it can be misconstrued by someone who was raised differently.

However, does a misunderstanding justify ones malignant behaviour? The sun sets and I still cannot find the answer to that question...

This misunderstanding blown out of proportion, combined with roaring outside noise took a massive hit on my mental health. On the outside, like many times before, I had no choice but to keep my chin(s) up, eyes straight ahead, taught myself to do what I must, to mask what appears as weakness. But now as the dust settles, I can unburden myself, and tell you of all the real struggle. There were honestly days where I so desperately wanted to throw the towel in, just give it all up, neglect myself of any happiness I once wished for. There were nights where my partner would have to hold my head as I sobbed like a child, unbeknownst to him the reason behind the tears. There were times where I so badly wanted to retaliate, I wanted to publicise all of the infidelity and incestuous secrets they tried to bury. I wanted a reason to finally open up the vault of their secrets that I kept at my fingertips. But no. Retaliation only meant war & I wasn’t willing to pay the price if it meant losing the reason I fight. I had to beg God to grant me just enough strength to keep fighting for what I deserve.

You wanna know why after everything, I still manage to carry myself? Because I serve a fair God, and one day we will all reap what we sow. 

~"protect the image"~

My family carries on with their lives unbothered, for I have protected them from knowing any hints of pain I feel in this journey. My mother and father trust the hands that I am in, why am I going to poison their minds by telling them any problems I had. I hide away any ounce of rejection, any morsel of pain, any remnants of a tear, purely because the good outweighs the bad. That's how deep my love wanders, even toward those who speak ill of me. Once upon a time, I rejoiced in our secret love story. Key word obviously being 'secret'.

~moving forward~

The recent months have been smooth sailing, very different from the beginning of 2022. I love his family as much as I can from my placement in their structure. I look from afar and can easily spot the auli and pae of their family structure; and its never easy but I am glad someone understands. I watch little feet pitter patter past me, comfortable in offering me the title "aunty", followed by a thousand open ended questions. I observe older female cousins, I watch their behaviour in order to understand the expectation that is set before me. Over the past year being around each others families, I have learnt my place. I have learnt when to be brave and when to submit. When to speak and when to just sit. When to allow the flow to freely run, and when to put it to a haltering end. Accomplished as I am in my own family structure, its back to square one in his.

With God & my ancestors as my witnesses, I will not be the person who remains in a relationship purely because of an enticing title or infatuation of an image. No. I have grown to learn, understand and accept who I am in my relationship. Through the past few months, I have learnt not only how to love, but learn how I want to be loved. I have learnt to stop comparing my relationship with that of others. I have learnt to appreciate the cards we have been dealt.  The two wandering souls intertwined have sparked a fire among the nation. We love a good bonfire. That's the beauty of this thing called love, its all just a big game of perspective. 

~Roman~

"love is more thicker than forget, 

more thinner than recall, 

more seldom than a wave is wet, 

more frequent than to fail" 

- E.E Cummings

So lastly, to my partner. Just like we childishly vowed all those years ago, “I gotchu, you gotch me”. Progressing often means choosing to stay even when presented the many reasons to leave. So with an unburdened heart, this is my answer, I choose to stay. 

"finally we are here now, I've been waiting all my life...". 

Final Comments

If you are to do or be anything this year, let it be kind. Take a moment to think about the words you speak of those around you. Place your child or nieces and nephew in their position and then make a judgement. You'll be surprised just how differently you would behave.

2022, thank you. You were an absolute weapon and gave me a redback hiding many times round. Much like the times before this, thank you for reminding me that every year is another opportunity to gain valuable knowledge and to grow in times of trial.  One experience at a time. I will continue on my perilous journey, to build a life I am proud of, to fight for a love that I desire, to be spiritually, emotionally and financially stable and secure. For the times I can not run, I will walk, I will dordle, I will crawl... I know the war of perspective still wages on, but let this be the day that I choose fight over flight.

I open up my 2023 journal (TY Moni) and we ride again, collections of events, names and dates like Santa's naughty and nice list. 

I would however like to announce, that regretfully this will be my final blog speaking on "the boy that revived a stone cold heart". As you all know and see, once the world has access to too much information, it ruins things. We have made the decision to move forward the best way we can, and that involves going back to the basics, keeping it as private as possible. 

Here I am, in all my flaws and fears. To my audience of a few, thank you for your love and support these past few years! I pray that the new year (and our God), grants you the deepest desires of your heart. From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all nothing but success, prosperity and happiness.

All my love, 

Lydia

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